Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Ramblings of a Drunken Irish Blogger - The 4th of July with my Drunken Irish Brothers Part 1

As we speed down the turnpike between Grand Lake and Tulsa passing around a bottle of Captain, I wondered if I would make it home alive. This thought had passed through my mind many a time since Thursday.

My elder brother flew into to town from DC. This, of course, means that my eldest brother must pack six months worth of partying into one weekend. I generally just drink at home and pass out at reasonable time (2ish). My brothers are more of the party till 6 in the (6 in the) morn type. I usually only see my brother three times a year: Christmas, OU/Texas and once a year I invade the greater DC area. For this reason, I was willing to sacrifice my sanity. Thursday should be fairly mellow, just me and the eldest doing some pre-celebration. Besides, we have to pick up the middle brother at 10 the next morning. How late could we possible stay out?

Thursday night started out fairly mellow. A few beers and a few shots at Empire (probably the best bar in Tulsa btw). The beer was from a new Tulsa brewery, Marshall's. It was a nice IPA, but I digress. We had a few more beers and a few more shots. And a few more...you get the idea.

Next, we stumbled across the street to the sardine can of dooshbaggery that is Gray Snail. Nothing like paying a $5 cover to swim through a sea of popped collars and Affliction shirts. I grabbed a Woodford Reserve on the rocks, while my brother downed his Grey Goose and Red Bull. I watch in awe as my eldest brother perfects the mating dance of the David DeAngelo disciple. I try to wing man for the eldest, deflect grenades and generally keep him out of trouble. The game ends around last call and we meander back to the eldest's apartment a half mile away.

I lay in the grass and my brother lays on the concrete (this seems like a good idea to our impaired brains), as the eldest attempts to find an after party. By now, it is after 2 am and my body is ready for sleep. A few minutes later, my brother finds after party number one. Quick sidebar, my eldest brother just got a jeep. He loves it dearly and drives it like a maniac. That plus drinking equals the first time I thought I was going to die. We screech and squeal our way to the first party. Actually, it was just a guy hanging out, drinking and watching a movie. We stay there and drink until we find a better party. After a quick pick me up, we are on the road. Again, I feared for my life.

We arrive at party number two and you can hear Tears for Fears blaring from the street. Apparently, everybody wants to rule the world. We stumble in and continue drinking our tasty Miller Lite. In the back room, Dire Straits is singing about money for nothing and chicks for free. It is eighties night on youtube. My eldest brother and his thirtysomething friends are reliving their youth. Around 4 am and halfway through Cherry Pie, the home owner kicks everyone out.

This seems like a good time to call it a night. It being 4 am and our brother's plane arriving in about 6 hours. But why do that, when you can invite the party back to the apartment. The next 2 hours is a haze of poker, women and Knob Creek. Around 6:30, I finally pass out on the coach. The party is still going strong and my brother is no where in sight. As my eyes closed, I prayed that I could get 3 and half good hours of sleep before my brothers plane arrived. My prayers went unanswered...

PART 2 will follow later this week.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Ramblings of a Drunken Irish Blogger - What do you get when you cross a stripper and a hair stylist?

Eye Candy Cuts

How would you like for her to give you a hair cut?

Maybe a massage?

Perhaps this is more your cup of tea...

Welcome to the wonderful world of Eye Candy Cuts. For God so loved the world that he gave unto Tulsa an all male salon with stylists dressed in lingerie. They have an all male clientele. Shocking, I know. And you must be eighteen to enter. Who hasn't dreamed of staring at Victoria's Secret clad boobs whilst getting their hair did? Its worth spending a little extra coin for some, uh hum, special treatment. I recommend the Platinum Haircut for the frugal perv. I'll even throw in a coupon.

But not all is peachy in Eye Candyland. This titillating world of wonderment is under fire. Not by the neighborhood or businesses that stand abreast of Eye Candy Cuts, not by an overzealous church group, but by the State Board of Cosmetology. No group is lobbying for change. The State Board is doing this of their own volition. They want to institute a dress code. The puritanical reign of the Cosmetology Board must be thwarted. The individual rights of scantily clad women are at stake. Rise to attention. Do your civic duty. Save these damsels in undress.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Ramblings of a Drunken Irish Blogger - Cher-a, sweet Cher-a

I was told that no one wants to see pictures of "Turley-bound bums. The internets was created for boobs." I feel that I am far enough into my blog-dom to have my first "hot chick" entry. Chera Kimiko is a lead anchor for Fox23 in Tulsa. Maybe its just because I am partial to brunettes, but I think she is way hotter than the Amy McRees of the world. I would go into detail about the things I would do with/to Chera, but I don't want my blog shut down just yet. She is modest, too. You cannot easily locate pics of Chera parading in her bikini. I know. I've looked. The brief glimpses of her legs (see: left picture) and her penetrating eyes (see: top left picture) make the evening news almost bearable. Almost. Anyone that has any additional pictures, feel free to post them. I won't be mad at you. I'm going to go take a cold shower, now.

I don't really know what Chera is talking about, and frankly I don't care. She's awful purty.

The Ramblings of a Drunken Irish Blogger - He's crazy about his pension

Gene Stipe. The pride of McAllister, OK and the U.S Medical Center for Federal Prisoners. You can not drive a block in McAllister without being reminded of the state’s most corrupt politician. The entrance into town is decorated with a large sign that says "Welcome to McAllister. Home of Gene Stipe." I hear they are throwing a parade tomorrow to celebrate Gene “Federal Indictment” Stipe’s latest court victory. The state board of the Oklahoma Public Employees Retirement System had seen fit to reduce Mr. Stipe’s pension to $1,600 a month. This seems reasonable, in light of the multitude of indictments that have been thrown Eugene’s way. But a delightful Oklahoma Court judge saw this for the injustice that it was and reinstated Gene Stipe’s pension to the tune of seven thousand and forty two dollars a month. That is a fifty-four hundred dollar raise. I guess, now, he won’t have to fraudulently funnel public money into private ventures. Today, the Oklahoma Supreme Court upheld the lower court ruling. I suppose they want to ensure that fraud charges will never rob them of their hard earned pensions. Perhaps Gene is not the only one that belongs in a mental hospital. Too far?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Ramblings of a Drunken Irish Blogger - Turley, Always Turley

He was unkempt with a forlorn look upon his face. He stared at the payphone outside the only Quiktrip in downtown. I got out of my car, hoping to avoid the downtrodden soul. As I scuttle past, I hear the inevitable “Sir, please. A moment.” I stop, because the words “get away from me you fecal stained vagabond,” never seem to come out quite right. “My daughter got in a car wreck. She and my grandbaby are dying. I need bus fare to get back to Turley.” At this point I crack a smile, and not because I like to hear about the suffering of the progeny of the homeless. I know that I’m off the hook. I know it’s a trick. Turley, it’s always Turley. I insist that I have no cash and move into the store to buy some Rooster Booster Light and some Jujy Fruits. I hurry to my car as the vagrant pounces on a new victim.

Turley, Oklahoma. You would not likely find it unless you already knew where to look. It is a nondescript town north of Tulsa. And an insidious plague is breading in this fertile bed of decay. Doing a fully unscientific study, I have discovered that 35% of the hobos in downtown Tulsa claim to need money to get back to Turley. It is unclear whether all these people truly are from Turley, or if Turley has become the town du jour of the transient community.

The story that opens this blog may seem heartless, but I have learned that Turley is code for “I’m going to turn your money into discount booze.” If ever a hobo mentions needing to return to Turley, know that they are merely after drugs and booze. This is not to say that most tramps are not after the same thing.

Why Turley? This question has eaten at my very soul for some time. Does the name have a special resonance with abode-challenged of Tulsa? Did one Turley resident trudge the deca-mile to the outskirts of downtown Tulsa? Did he espouse the hardship of Turley? Did he engender enough sympathy to purchase that smack he had been eyeing? Were other hobos jealous of his smack enjoyment? Did they steal his shtick to get their own smack/crack/meth/heroin? Is it possible to make an entire paragraph out of questions? These are questions that I will not be answering because my buzz is wearing off. Time to drown my curiosity in a bottle of morphine laced whisky.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Ramblings of a Drunken Irish Blogger - Spurs Drinking Game

“The How to Make Everything Better by Drinking” Drinking Game Report.

This week, I will attempt to make a San Antonio Spurs game watchable. This is the toughest assignment I have given myself, to date. Let us take some of the Spurs players and drink to their tendencies. This should be fun.

1. Manu Ginobli - Drink every time he flops.
2. Bruce Bowen - Drink every time he blatantly fouls and gets away with it.
3. Tony Parker - Drink every time the camera shows Eva Longoria.
4. Tim Duncan – Drink every time he complains to the ref.
5. Greg Popovich – Drink every time he looks angry

I was going to add more, but I want to make it out of the first quarter. Discarded possibilities: drink every time Robert Horry looks like Will Smith, drink every time the announcer mention “veteran team” when talking about the Spurs and drink every time Michael Finley looks really old. I would never publish a drinking game with first testing it. What follows is my running diary of the game with in the game. Enjoy.

8:54 The abysmal Celts/Cavs game has ended. Joining the game in progress, the Hornets are up 8 – 0 with 9:03 left in the first quarter.

8:56 First Manu flop attempt. The refs didn’t buy this one. Drink

8:59 Ginobli is a flopping machine. He is the only one making me drink, so far.

9:01 Unofficial count at 6 flops for Manu in the 3+ minutes of game time that I have witnessed. He is the Mikhail Baryshnikov of flopping.

9:03 I need to pay more attention to Bowen. He is a veritable cornucopia of drink opportunities. He is mauling Peja Stojakovic

9:08 Bowen is making up the rest of the teams slacking. I would like to personally thank him for him for physically accosting the Hornets allowing me much needed libations.

9:10 Slightly off topic, but does Tyson Chandler ever make a shot that is not a Chris Paul ally-oop?

9:11 Timmy is on the board with his first ref complaint. I was starting to fear that, as an eleven year veteran, he had grown out of tantrums. Thank God he has not.

9:13 Quarter ends in a flurry with a Ginobli flop followed by a Bowen hack. A few thoughts as we go into the second quarter. Bowen and Ginobli are carrying this drinking game. Ginobli has 8 flops (2 resulting in drawn fouls), Bowen has at least 5 uncalled hacks and Duncan has 1 hissy fit. No sign of Eva Longoria or Pop’s angry mug. I am 2 beers deep. I’m kind of disappointed. Hopefully things will pick up in the second quarter. Additional thought, Ginobli has a sweet bald spot.

9:18 Starting strong with a Ginobli flop. Its amazing that someone can drive to the basket and make a shot and still have the control to flop so effectively.

9:20 Bowen just managed to hack Stojakavic 4 times in one possession resulting in, you guessed it, a jump ball.

9:24 A busy few minutes. Two shots of angry Pop, 3 Ginobli flops and 30 shots of Ginobli’s bald spot. It is a good thing that I’m not drinking to that.

9:32 Slow segment. Only one scowl and 2 hacks,. I kind of wish I was drinking to Ginobli’s bald spot.

9:40 Great job, guys. Way to come through for me. Seven total drinks with everyone but Parker pitching in.

9:54 Its half time and I’m beginning to fear for Tony Parker and Eva Longoria’s marriage. A whole half and not one shot? If she is at the game, she should fire her publicist immediately. Bowen and Ginobli are currently tired for the lead in drinks generated at 15 a piece. Pop had a strong quarter, posting 5 after being shut out in the first quarter. Duncan, much like his play in the actual game, is playing terribly. Only two tantrums. I am halfway through my fifth Pacifico and Ginobli’s bald spot is still shiny.

9:57 You would think that ESPN would just burn the Celts/Cavs game tape. Just awful. I rarely agree with Steven A. Smith, but he is right. This game was “butt ugly.” I want to thank him for popping my “hear butt ugly during an NBA highlight” cherry. I will drink to that.

10:14 If David West were white, would he be Tyler Hansburough? Think about it.

10:16 Chris Paul is good. Is any one else bitter that the Hornets waited until they returned to Nawlins before they got good? Bastards.

10:20 The Spurs appear to be unhappy. It is odd for them to be on the wrong side of preferential calls. Bowen is beginning to run away with the Drinking Game crown. Pop is making a late surge. He is an angry man.

10:23 We have a full blown crisis on our hands. I’m out of Pacifico and the only thing left in the fridge is Pig’s Eye. Dear God in heaven, why did my room mate buy Pig’s Eye. Stop mocking me! But I will persist. I’ll just pour it in my frosty MacLaren’s Pub stein and douse it with a handful of limes. It’ll be fine, right? Right?!?

10:29 I have decided that I do not like Bruce Bowen, but I do like Ginobli’s bald spot.

10:31 That was a super awesome Timmy tantrum. They have been rare this game, but that one was worth the wait.

10:36 This Pig’s Eye is delicious. I can see why people drink it. Excuse me while I dip my tongue in boiling water.

10:39 I’m 9 beers in and I finally had to break the seal. I award myself a 2 drink penalty for game time missed. And yes, I know about tivo. I just forgot to pause the game and I’m too lazy to rewind. Let me take my 2 drink penalty and be done with it.

10:49 So, I’m kinda drink. And Tony is currently making it rain. Just an fyi. Pig’s Eye plus three limes isn’t terrible.

10:57 I feel bad for Baron Davis. Everyone else got to do cool split screens with the star on their opposing team. Baron Davis gets to do a split screen with Adam Sandler, while pimping some awful movie called Zohan, or something.

11:05 My attention is beginning to drift. The Hornets are choking away the game and drinking opportunities are diminishing. Bah, I say. Bah.

11:18 The last 15 minutes were pretty brutal. It was like a mini-Cavs/Celts game. Ten and a half, or 64 drinks, later I am officially drunk. Bruce Bowen won the overall competition with approximately 26 uncalled fouls. I am officially worried about the Logoria/Parker marriage. Not one picture. I’m going to go stumble away from the tv and computer.

Possibly side effects include, but are not limited to: Vomiting, Nausea, Disorientation, Lack of Motor Skills, A Increased Hatred for the San Antonio Spurs, A Desire to Drink Something Other Than Pig's Eye, The Inclination to Never Watch the NBA Again and Massive Urination.

The Ramblings of a Drunken Irish Blogger - The Total Recall Drinking Game

In a state of beer and loratab induced euphoria, I decided to make the monumental leap into the blogsphere. I doubt this will end well.

I began to develop an elaborate introductory blog explaining the inner workings of a drunken Irish mind. Frankly, it bored me. Instead I will jump right in to my first blog.

“The How to Make Everything Better by Drinking” Drinking Game Report.

The first game that I will present to you was recently featured in a Bill Simmons Sports Guy article on ESPN.com. My friend wrote the Sports Guy, briefly describing the drinking game.

Q: Do you realize Troy Aikman's interactions with Joe Buck
are EXACTLY like Arnold Schwarzenegger's interactions with director Paul
Verhoeven for the commentary for "Total Recall?" It's uncanny, right down to the
incessant usage of the word "exactly." The reason this is really funny is
because of a drinking game my friends and I played once -- we turned on the
commentary for "Total Recall," and drank every time Arnold agrees with the
director. I kid you not, people were falling out of their chairs within 15
minutes.- -Ryan Flippo, Tulsa, Okla.

SG: You're exactly right, Ryan. The similarities between
Troy-Buck and Arnold-Verhoeven are uncanny. You're exactly right. That's a great point. You're right.

It is, of course, the Total Recall commentary drinking game. What could be better than getting sloshed, while listening to Paul Verhoeven and the future governor of California discuss the landmark of cinema that is Total Recall? This game will rapidly destroy your liver, so pace yourself. I have very rarely finished the entire movie, whilst playing the drinking game. Most of your friends will be passed out on the floor with alcohol poisoning, mumbling in an Austrian accent, long before the game is done. Appoint a drinking game commission before the movie starts. It will be his, or her, responsibility to settle any disputes. Please pace yourself. Do not, I repeat, do no exceed the drink suggestions outlined below. Only use beer for this game. I tried to play using whisky and I nearly died fifteen minutes into the movie. And please do this responsibly. Do not attempt to drive after playing. Do not attempt to move at all. Make sure you have nothing important to do that day or the next day. Enjoy the game.

The Total Recall Commentary Drinking Game

1. Take a drink every time Arnold agrees with Verhoeven: This is the one that gets you. It is staggering the number of times that you will hear “yeah, I totally agree” and “yeah, exactly” said with a thick Austrian accent.
2. Take two drinks every time Arnold attempts to be philosophical or existential: This one is rarer, but the most fun. Hearing Arnold attempt to discuss the existential nature of Total Recall, whether “it is a dream or it is reality,” is well worth price of admission
3. Take three drinks every time you see a three-boobed chick: OK. So there is only one three-boobed chick, but come on. THREE BOOBS!
4. Take a shot every time Verhoeven reinforces his belief that humans are soulless animal, meat bags as he prefers to call them: This one is a little more subjective. The drink commissioner will have to decide when to enforce this last tenant.

Possibly side effects include, but are not limited to: Vomiting, Nausea, Disorientation, Lack of Motor Skills, A Lessened Regard for the Sanctity of Life, A Desire to See More Three-Boobed Women, A Propensity to Speak with an Austrian Accent, A Loss of Respect for the California Electorate and Drowsiness.