“The How to Make Everything Better by Drinking” Drinking Game Report.
This week, I will attempt to make a San Antonio Spurs game watchable. This is the toughest assignment I have given myself, to date. Let us take some of the Spurs players and drink to their tendencies. This should be fun.
1. Manu Ginobli - Drink every time he flops.
2. Bruce Bowen - Drink every time he blatantly fouls and gets away with it.
3. Tony Parker - Drink every time the camera shows Eva Longoria.
4. Tim Duncan – Drink every time he complains to the ref.
5. Greg Popovich – Drink every time he looks angry
I was going to add more, but I want to make it out of the first quarter. Discarded possibilities: drink every time Robert Horry looks like Will Smith, drink every time the announcer mention “veteran team” when talking about the Spurs and drink every time Michael Finley looks really old. I would never publish a drinking game with first testing it. What follows is my running diary of the game with in the game. Enjoy.
8:54 The abysmal Celts/Cavs game has ended. Joining the game in progress, the Hornets are up 8 – 0 with 9:03 left in the first quarter.
8:56 First Manu flop attempt. The refs didn’t buy this one. Drink
8:59 Ginobli is a flopping machine. He is the only one making me drink, so far.
9:01 Unofficial count at 6 flops for Manu in the 3+ minutes of game time that I have witnessed. He is the Mikhail Baryshnikov of flopping.
9:03 I need to pay more attention to Bowen. He is a veritable cornucopia of drink opportunities. He is mauling Peja Stojakovic
9:08 Bowen is making up the rest of the teams slacking. I would like to personally thank him for him for physically accosting the Hornets allowing me much needed libations.
9:10 Slightly off topic, but does Tyson Chandler ever make a shot that is not a Chris Paul ally-oop?
9:11 Timmy is on the board with his first ref complaint. I was starting to fear that, as an eleven year veteran, he had grown out of tantrums. Thank God he has not.
9:13 Quarter ends in a flurry with a Ginobli flop followed by a Bowen hack. A few thoughts as we go into the second quarter. Bowen and Ginobli are carrying this drinking game. Ginobli has 8 flops (2 resulting in drawn fouls), Bowen has at least 5 uncalled hacks and Duncan has 1 hissy fit. No sign of Eva Longoria or Pop’s angry mug. I am 2 beers deep. I’m kind of disappointed. Hopefully things will pick up in the second quarter. Additional thought, Ginobli has a sweet bald spot.
9:18 Starting strong with a Ginobli flop. Its amazing that someone can drive to the basket and make a shot and still have the control to flop so effectively.
9:20 Bowen just managed to hack Stojakavic 4 times in one possession resulting in, you guessed it, a jump ball.
9:24 A busy few minutes. Two shots of angry Pop, 3 Ginobli flops and 30 shots of Ginobli’s bald spot. It is a good thing that I’m not drinking to that.
9:32 Slow segment. Only one scowl and 2 hacks,. I kind of wish I was drinking to Ginobli’s bald spot.
9:40 Great job, guys. Way to come through for me. Seven total drinks with everyone but Parker pitching in.
9:54 Its half time and I’m beginning to fear for Tony Parker and Eva Longoria’s marriage. A whole half and not one shot? If she is at the game, she should fire her publicist immediately. Bowen and Ginobli are currently tired for the lead in drinks generated at 15 a piece. Pop had a strong quarter, posting 5 after being shut out in the first quarter. Duncan, much like his play in the actual game, is playing terribly. Only two tantrums. I am halfway through my fifth Pacifico and Ginobli’s bald spot is still shiny.
9:57 You would think that ESPN would just burn the Celts/Cavs game tape. Just awful. I rarely agree with Steven A. Smith, but he is right. This game was “butt ugly.” I want to thank him for popping my “hear butt ugly during an NBA highlight” cherry. I will drink to that.
10:14 If David West were white, would he be Tyler Hansburough? Think about it.
10:16 Chris Paul is good. Is any one else bitter that the Hornets waited until they returned to Nawlins before they got good? Bastards.
10:20 The Spurs appear to be unhappy. It is odd for them to be on the wrong side of preferential calls. Bowen is beginning to run away with the Drinking Game crown. Pop is making a late surge. He is an angry man.
10:23 We have a full blown crisis on our hands. I’m out of Pacifico and the only thing left in the fridge is Pig’s Eye. Dear God in heaven, why did my room mate buy Pig’s Eye. Stop mocking me! But I will persist. I’ll just pour it in my frosty MacLaren’s Pub stein and douse it with a handful of limes. It’ll be fine, right? Right?!?
10:29 I have decided that I do not like Bruce Bowen, but I do like Ginobli’s bald spot.
10:31 That was a super awesome Timmy tantrum. They have been rare this game, but that one was worth the wait.
10:36 This Pig’s Eye is delicious. I can see why people drink it. Excuse me while I dip my tongue in boiling water.
10:39 I’m 9 beers in and I finally had to break the seal. I award myself a 2 drink penalty for game time missed. And yes, I know about tivo. I just forgot to pause the game and I’m too lazy to rewind. Let me take my 2 drink penalty and be done with it.
10:49 So, I’m kinda drink. And Tony is currently making it rain. Just an fyi. Pig’s Eye plus three limes isn’t terrible.
10:57 I feel bad for Baron Davis. Everyone else got to do cool split screens with the star on their opposing team. Baron Davis gets to do a split screen with Adam Sandler, while pimping some awful movie called Zohan, or something.
11:05 My attention is beginning to drift. The Hornets are choking away the game and drinking opportunities are diminishing. Bah, I say. Bah.
11:18 The last 15 minutes were pretty brutal. It was like a mini-Cavs/Celts game. Ten and a half, or 64 drinks, later I am officially drunk. Bruce Bowen won the overall competition with approximately 26 uncalled fouls. I am officially worried about the Logoria/Parker marriage. Not one picture. I’m going to go stumble away from the tv and computer.
Possibly side effects include, but are not limited to: Vomiting, Nausea, Disorientation, Lack of Motor Skills, A Increased Hatred for the San Antonio Spurs, A Desire to Drink Something Other Than Pig's Eye, The Inclination to Never Watch the NBA Again and Massive Urination.
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